The View From My Knees

Original photo by Lucky

Herpes.

It’s one of the most alarming words that can come up in discussions of sexuality. This one little word – this somewhat common virus which is little more than an annoying skin condition – can make an otherwise healthy, sexual individual feel “dirty” and unwanted. And, in a non-monogamous relationship, it can be the cause of considerable amount of heartache, confusion, and fear.

In the 15 or so years that I’ve been sexually active I’ve been tested countless times and have always considered myself lucky when I get the news that my results are negative. Sure, I take precautions, but no method – short of abstinence – is 100% effective in preventing the spread of STDs. There’s this unspoken measure of acceptable risk with every new sex partner, and those of us with multiple and/or frequent sex partners are aware of this. But there’s a difference between knowing that a partner might be infected, and that there may be a chance of contracting something, and knowing that a partner is infected, and there is a statistical probability that something could be passed between you. It raises the stakes considerably, especially when you have other partners to consider.

With a running total of about 55 sex partners (and those are only the ones I remember), it’s surprising that this hasn’t come up before. I used to think I knew what I would do if I encountered the virus. Perhaps if I was single and thought that someone was a potential partner I would consider entering into a sexual relationship with someone who had herpes, but I already have a husband and boyfriend and I’m not really looking for another partner. I just didn’t see any reason to risk exposing myself and my partners for a casual fling, no matter how hot the person might be. But I began to question that conviction once I learned that a friend of mine was positive. Suddenly the virus took on a human face and I wasn’t sure I’d be so quick to dismiss someone as a potential sexual partner based on this one thing. After all, the connection I make with most of my lovers is wonderfully fulfilling. Would I be willing to deny that connection when faced with the choice?

When Vincent made his confession I was admittedly taken aback. Well shit, I thought. Here it is. That choice I knew I’d have to make someday was finally here and it certainly hadn’t come in the package I had expected. This wasn’t some promiscuous, careless Cassanova who tried to bed every woman he met. Vincent was sweet and sensitive, and genuinely surprised that someone like me was interested in him. Despite our intoxication, we had made a real connection that night. I hadn’t expected the intensity of our passion and now I was faced with the choice to either extinguish that passion or take on a risk that not only affected me but also my other partners.

“Thank you for not freaking out,” he said as he held me from behind and we drifted off to sleep.

I left early the next morning because I had an early class. When I arrived home Lucky was still in bed so I climbed under the covers and cuddled up with him. I told him about my night, including the bombshell at the end. He was understanding and empathetic of my situation, without making any definitive statements about his feelings on the matter. I’m sure part of the reason for his response was that he didn’t yet know how he felt, but I’m sure he could also tell that I wasn’t ready to get into any serious discussions or come to any conclusions. At that point I was just reflecting on the situation and letting it all sink in.

Later that day I chatted with Mac over IM about my evening. Rather than focusing on my specific situation, our conversation turned into more of a vague discussion of the risks of herpes and whether it was worth it in any situation. Mac had no problem voicing his opinion on the matter. He just didn’t see the point in taking the risk. I, on the other hand, didn’t think it was so black and white. I concluded that I would take sex off the table at this point in my relationship with Vincent, but that I’d give it some time to see how things developed and if we needed to revisit it. Mac seemed satisfied with my decision. Or so I thought. It wouldn’t be until a few weeks later that I’d discover just how strongly he felt about the subject.

The next time I saw Vincent I told him that I couldn’t have sex with him, not yet anyway. He said he’d never expected to have sex with me since I had a husband and boyfriend to think about, but that he enjoyed our time together so much that he really wanted to keep seeing me. I confessed that I felt the same way.

Over the next two weeks we saw each other almost every day. Even if I had other plans I would find an excuse to see him on my way out for the evening. We cherished every stolen moment, and savored every kiss. We pleasured each other with our hands, always wishing we could go just a little bit further, but enjoying every passionate moment, nonetheless. We texted each other frequently when we were apart, and when we were together we’d giddily smile at each other and say silly things like, “I like you so much.” We were completely twitterpated.

New Relationship Energy or not, it became obvious that this was no short-lived fling. Vincent and I were developing real feelings for each other, and I knew the time was quickly approaching when we’d want to take it to the next level. It was time to have a more serious discussion with my partners.

Original photo by Lucky

There’s this feeling you get when you meet someone and enter those beginning stages of a new relationship. It’s like you’re floating. All of the world’s colors seem more vivid. You find yourself smiling for no reason. You can’t wait to be together again, and when you are it’s like a drug. You’re in a state of natural euphoria. When you put your arms around each other you forget that the rest of the world even exists. When you kiss you’d swear there were literally sparks coming from your lips.

The non-monogamy circles refer to it as New Relationship Energy (NRE). It’s that state of mind at the beginning of a new relationship that causes heightened emotional and sexual feelings, and it is very real. I’d guess that this intoxicating feeling is one of the reasons many of us choose this lifestyle. It just feels so…damned…good.

Although I date quite a bit, I don’t think I experience NRE very often. Maybe Lucky would disagree, since he isn’t the one walking around with his head in the clouds, but most of the time I’d like to think I keep my feet on the ground. However, even I can’t deny the way I’m feeling right now. I am completely twitterpated, and it feels so wonderful. If only it were a little less…complicated.

I’d met Vincent a few times at parties through a friend’s boyfriend. We hung out in a lot of the same crowds, but we had never been introduced. I immediately thought he was adorable. He was a bit rugged and a bit punk, but shy in a way that made it obvious how sensitive he was. I developed a little crush on him, but I didn’t think much of it because I didn’t see him very often. We started saying a brief hello when we happened to catch ourselves at the same events, and eventually we even became Facebook friends. One day he posted that he was spending the day working at a coffee shop near my house instead of going into the office, and I decided to use the opportunity to do a little flirting, so I posted back. Our posts eventually turned to instant messaging, which then turned into an invitation to join him at a punk show that night. He tells me now that at this point he still had no idea I was flirting with him and certainly did not expect the night to turn out the way it did. Did I mention he’s adorable?

We met up at a restaurant where some of his friends were celebrating a birthday, and then followed the crowd to a bar near the show venue. We chatted, and drank, and laughed, and drank. I moved in closer, touched his arm, flirted shamelessly. He seemed receptive, and as we were standing in line to close out our tabs he put his arms around me from behind so that by then I was certain there was something between us. Because we were both good and toasty by the time we arrived at the show, I’m not sure either of us remembers the exact circumstances of our first kiss. My first hazy memory of making out with Vincent is at the bar of the venue after getting yet more drinks. Once we’d gotten that out of the way, we were lip-locked for most of the night. As far as we were concerned, the band on the stage only served as background music to our making out. We were the center of the universe.

Later we both admitted to being a little embarrassed by our behavior at that show. While I’m not opposed to the occasional PDA, I don’t usually just stand in the middle of a crowd making out like a teenager. And Vincent seemed even less prone to such annoyingly sappy displays in public. We could blame it on the alcohol, as there was certainly plenty of that flowing through our veins, but I think there was more to it than that. When our lips touched it was like fireworks. When we pulled apart we couldn’t take our eyes off of each other. We were intoxicated not only by the alcohol we’d consumed but by our own chemistry. It was completely unexpected, and like nothing I’d felt with a new lover in a long, long time.

After the show, we stood on the sidewalk and decided what to do next. “I want you to come spend the night with me, but we can’t have sex,” he said.

“Well that’s fine, because I can’t have sex with you tonight anyway because I’m on my period,” I replied.

It was settled. We drunkenly caught a cab to his apartment (so drunkenly, in fact, that he has no recollection of how we got home – not even the part where he had to wedge my bike into the trunk of the cab). As we stumbled into his bedroom, we peeled our clothes off (although he left his underwear on) and fell into the bed, kissing and groping. His hands traveled up and down my body until they finally reached my pussy, wet with my desire for him. He ran his fingers along my clit and played with the opening of my vagina as I rubbed his hard cock through his shorts.

“God, I want you so bad,” I moaned. “I wish we could fuck.”

“Me too,” he said. “But we can’t.”

And then our mouths were pressed together again. His fingers filled me up and made me gasp between kisses until finally my body quivered with orgasm and I cried out with pleasure.

As we lay naked next to each other, satisfied and starting to drift off into a drunken sleep, he made a confession to me.

“So, the reason I can’t have sex with you…” he paused. Normally my mind would be racing with possibilities halfway through a loaded sentence like this, but I was tired and still aglow in the aftermath of our encounter. I lay silently and awaited his declaration.

“The reason I can’t have sex with you is that I have herpes.”

Original photo by Mac

The Sex 2.0 conference is approaching and I couldn’t be more excited. I won’t be speaking, but I’ll be watching as fellow bloggers, educators, and sex workers give talks on everything from building your sex positive presence online to the Madonna/Whore complex. There’s still time to register and the fee is surprisingly inexpensive for the weekend-long event. Check out the press release below and go sign up! Leave a comment below if you plan on attending.

Sex 2.0 Conference — May 22-23, 2010
The Intersection of Social Media, Feminism and Sexuality

SEATTLE – Sex 2.0 celebrates its third year May 22-23, 2010, in Seattle, Washington, at the Quality Inn. For the first time, the conference is heading to the West Coast and expanding across an entire weekend, attracting local and national influencers, entrepreneurs and enthusiasts who are defining the future of sex and technology.

Sex 2.0 focuses on the intersection of social media, feminism, and sexuality. How is social media enabling people to learn, grow, and connect sexually? How is sexual expression tied to social activism? Does the concept of transparency online offer new opportunities or present new roadblocks — or both? These questions, and many more, are addressed within a safe, welcoming, sex positive space.

Topics this year include building your sex positive presence online, using the internet to connect with people as a sex coach or educator, participatory community organizing for social and sexual freedom, the new sex educators, with panels on new media, sex work, and more.

Featuring certified sexologist and author, Veronica Monet, as the keynote speaker and a discussion leader. Other session leaders include educator, writer, and founder of Cuddle Parties, Reid Mihalko; executive director of the Center and Foundation for Sex Positive Culture, Allena Gabosch; rope bondage podcaster, author and activist, Graydancer; president of Love U Parties, author, sex educator and activist, Ducky Doolittle; author, high priestess, and founder of Temple of the Red Lotus, Inara de Luna; and many more.

The conference welcomes all sex positive individuals 18+, the GLBTQ, poly, kinky, sex workers, podcasters, eroticists, activists and more. At Sex 2.0, everyone is a participant, rather than a passive attendee, joining conversations rather than listening to presentations. Respecting the confidentiality and protecting the identities of participants who wish to maintain a degree of anonymity is a top priority at Sex 2.0.

Profits will go to the Northwest chapter of the Sex Workers Outreach Project, which is dedicated to the fundamental human rights of sex workers and their communities, focusing on ending violence and stigma through education and advocacy, and to the event producer, the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture.

Advance registration is mandatory, given the relatively sensitive nature of this event. Registration is open and tickets are $50 until May 19 or tickets sell out.

The conference is being held at the Quality Inn at 618 John St., in the heart of Seattle beside the famous Space Needle and Seattle Center. It officially runs from 9 a.m. Saturday to 4 p.m. Sunday, with parties on Friday and Sunday.

Learn more about the event and register at www.sex20con.com, or contact Clea Hersperger at sex2.0@sexpositiveculture.org for more information.

Sex 2.0 is being produced and sponsored by Seattle’s Foundation for Sex Positive Culture, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that promotes the many ways sex is beneficial through education, outreach, the arts, advocacy, and research programs that serve the public. For more information, please visit www.foundationforsexpositiveculture.org.

In Bed With Misty Kaye #2

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Running Time: 45 minutes

Show Notes

• It’s the 4th anniversary of my podcast! Can you believe I’ve been doing this show (off and on) for four years? I’m celebrating with a contest, and entering is easy. Simply leave me a voicemail at 206-350-6955 or record your own message and email it to TheGirl@herknees.com. I’ll play all of your messages on my next podcast and announce the winner. Additional entries can be made by posting a link to my new dating research group on your web site and leaving a comment here to let me know. The dating research group link is http://groups.google.com/group/datingresearch. One lucky winner will get a beautiful and oh, so sexy Glass Dildo from Babeland. A prize worth $80!
• This special anniversary podcast wouldn’t be complete without a product review. Listen to my review of the Crybaby (pictured above).

As always, if you have any questions, comments, or reviews while we’re not on the air you can call the voicemail line at 206-350-6955. And be sure to follow me on Twitter to find out when our next LIVE broadcast is so you can join me in the chat room or call in and be a part of the fun!

I’m looking for people who use online dating sites to join a research group mailing list I’ve created to gather data for my book. Members will occasionally receive questions or polls related to the world of online dating, or dating in general. Although I may occasionally for more information on a response, this is not a group discussion list. All responses go directly to me and every member’s privacy is protected. I hope to be able to offer all participants a free copy of the book when it is finally published.

If you’d like to participate just go to the group web site and sign up. And please pass this link along to your friends and mailing lists and Tweet it out so that I can get the biggest cross-section of people and get a wide array of opinions.

Thank you so much!