Original photo by Mac
I’ve always had a problem with boundaries. It’s difficult for me to be friends with someone without involving sex in the relationship, whether I’m attracted to the person or not. And when someone shows and interest in me I have a hard time saying no. Most of the time this isn’t a problem. I have a lot of fun playing with my friends and people rarely take advantage of my open nature in a way that affects me negatively. But occasionally my willingness to say no puts me into a situation I regret. Like this one:
The first time I met Colin I thought he was kind of cute. I was hanging out with a friend at a bar and he introduced me to a group of his friends at another table. We decided to join them, so I squeezed in next to Colin and he and I began chatting. I learned he was new in town and didn’t know very many people. Seeing the potential for a new friend and possibly more if the chemistry was right, I exchanged numbers and internet details with him.
After that night we began chatting online frequently and had drinks a few times. I decided fairly quickly that I wasn’t interested in anything more than a platonic friendship with him. Our personalities were very different and I found that I wasn’t as attracted to him as I originally thought. Maybe it was his pessimistic east coast attitude that turned me off, I’m not really sure. But since our initial exchange of information hadn’t been under the pretense of dating, I didn’t think this would be a problem. I knew he had a crush on me, but I was careful not to respond to any of his flirting and did my best not to lead him to believe that our new friendship would go any further. The one thing I didn’t do – the one thing I always try to avoid doing – was the one thing I probably should have done: tell him I wasn’t interested.
I certainly had plenty of opportunities to tell him. For instance, the night we were watching movies on his couch and he leaned over and kissed me. This would have been the perfect moment to give him the “I like you as a friend” speech. But instead I just pulled away and repositioned myself so that he couldn’t do it again. While I’m sure pulling away didn’t encourage him, my silence did nothing to discourage him, either, leaving the door open for what would happen a week later.
It was a Friday night. Lucky was out and I was looking for something to do when I got a text from Colin.
“A few of us are going out for drinks and you’re welcome to join us. I’ll even pick you up.”
“Sounds good to me,” I replied, and thirty minutes later we were laughing over cocktails with a small group of friends at a bar near my apartment. As we bounced from bar to bar that night the cocktails kept coming.I’d stopped paying for my own drinks long ago, but Colin made sure I was never without a drink in my hand. Finally, our group began to say its goodbyes and I realized how hungry I was. Colin suggested we go to his favorite hot dog stand near his house and I drunkenly agreed. Had I been thinking a little more clearly I probably would have insisted that we stick to one of the stands near our current location, which also happened to be only a few blocks from my apartment. But I wasn’t, and we didn’t. He drove me across town to his neighborhood, his hot dog stand, and finally to his apartment.
I was so drunk I was seeing double, but I started to realize that I was getting myself into a situation I didn’t want to be in. I sent a text to both Lucky and Mac about my predicament:
“I think I’m going to have to pretend to pass out on his couch to avoid sex.”
Mac replied immediately. “Girl, you don’t have to do that. Just tell him you don’t want to.”
Sound advice, yes, but at that moment going to sleep sounded like a much better solution than having a drunken discussion about the boundaries of our friendship. Then I got a text from Lucky:
“Do you want me to come get you?”
Perfect! I could get out of this uncomfortable situation and pass out in my own bed next to my husband.
“Yes!” I replied.
I told Colin that Lucky was on his way and wondered how slowly I could eat my hot dog so that I could remain occupied while I waited. Not slowly enough, unfortunately. As soon as I laid down the empty wrapper Colin was on top of me, kissing and groping. I knew I didn’t want to be doing this with him, but I was drunk and horny and couldn’t will myself to push him away or say no. Eventually he sat up and said, “I can’t help feeling like I’m taking advantage of you.”
Here was my chance! I could just agree with him and tell him this shouldn’t go any further and everything would be fine. But I didn’t. “Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s okay,” I heard myself say.
“Here,” he said, pulling me off the couch. “Why don’t you lay on the bed until Lucky gets here.”
This sounded like a good plan. All my hazy mind wanted at that moment was to get fucked or go to sleep, so the bed seemed like the right place to be. As he helped me to the bedroom he began stripping my clothes off until I was falling onto the bed wearing only my panties. I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them he was naked beside me, rolling a condom onto his erect cock. I closed my eyes again and felt him crawl between my legs and slide his cock inside of me. I’m not even sure if he had pulled my panties off or just pushed them aside.
It felt good. My body wanted it. My body craved it. I know I didn’t want to be doing this with him but my body betrayed me with every moan of pleasure. It must have been only a minute or two before Lucky called to tell me he was waiting downstairs. Saved by the bell. Sort of. We quickly got dressed and Colin walked me downstairs to where Lucky was waiting to take me to the car.
On the ride home I told Lucky what had happened. He was understanding and supportive, but I felt ashamed. I cursed myself for getting so drunk. I scolded myself for not being direct with him about my intentions before it went this far. I felt guilty for letting him believe that our friendship could be anything more, and I knew I could never tell him that I hadn’t wanted this. Why should I hurt his feelings just because I hadn’t been strong enough to lay out my own boundaries?
The next morning, through the haze of a well-deserved hangover, I admitted to Mac that I had let things go too far. He was clearly disappointed in me, and my guilt and shame from the night before came rushing back.
Have I learned my lesson? I’d like to think so, but I can’t honestly say for sure that something like this won’t happen again. I just can’t promise that I’ll have the willpower to say no the next time I’m feeling lonely and I’m offered attention from someone I’m not interested in. I know it’s weak. I know it’s pathetic. I just hope that the memory of the shame I felt as a result of my poor judgment will be enough to motivate me to change how I approach these situations in the future.
