The View From My Knees

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As a followup to my last post about approaching women online, I thought I’d share some of the…err…treasures I get on an almost daily basis through sites like MySpace. Now, this selection would be much more useful if I included some of the good with some of the bad but, as American Idol has taught us, the bad is just so much more amusing. I’ll see if I can dig up any of the good ones for future examples.

First up, we’ve got Bono. Bono writes like a high school girl (“WHATZ GOING ON ALL OVER THA MAP YA KNO“), has an aversion to punctuation, and has a broken caps lock key.

WHATZ WIT IT HOWZ WAZ YOUR WEEKEND IM BONO FROM SAN DIEGO BUT IM LIVING IN LAS VEGAS ITZ HELLA COOL OUT HERE JUST PARTYZ ALL THA TIME EVERYDAY ALLDAY YA KNO SO HOW THA WEATHER OUT THERE IS IT RAINING SO CAN U ADD ME AS A FRIEND IM NOT ON HERE TRYIN TA GET IN THA DRAWZ I JUST LIKE 2 HEAR ABOUT WHATZ GOING ON ALL OVER THA MAP YA KNO I LIKE 2 TRAVEL BUT THANKZ 4 YOUR TIME HAVE A GOOD DAY HOLLA AT YA BOY

Next is Richard. Richard has fallen into the category of giving too much information. Maybe this kind of approach is good on sex sites such as Adult Friend Finder, but it’s a little bit over the top for your average social networking site.

30/M/SeaTac here, and I’m looking for a woman that would be interested in dressing me up as a woman and having some fun.
Email me back if interested.

On a side note, even for the more serious approaches, don’t bother with things like “Email me back if interested.” That’s a given.

Our next offender is Chris. Chris believes in the less is more approach. In this case, I could have used even less of his less.

nice ass u wanna chat

Next, we have another Chris who decided to take the mundane approach. I would have expected something a little more interesting after the bold (possibly too bold) subject line.

Subject: you do have a sweet ass
Body: hey there , what are you up to. im just bored and bout to leave work

Our next suitor goes by the name of “Mmmmmmm.” Again, this might fly on a sex site, but I have my doubts about even that.

MMMmmmmm YUMMY~ youve got GREAT pics!
Looks HOT~
206-###-####
tell me to cum for you when i answer

Here is Nick. While I do feel a little bit bad about including Nick, who is probably a decent guy, in with the rest of these misguided fellas,
I really can’t feel that sympathetic to someone who can induce this many yawns with a simple email.

Hi, I’m nick. I’m 30 in shoreline. I saw your profile and thought you would like to chat. Get back at me if your interested.

Next, Bongo Bob does his best Tarzan impression. I’m guessing his first draft went something like, “Me Bob. You sexy. Bob want to grab you by hair and drink beer.” Which version do you prefer?

wow you sexy how are you?

Then, a guy who goes by the name of “WOW” takes the familiar approach.

how have u been ?

Since when?

Now, Dre’s email just confuses me.

nice ass can i like it?

Well, sure. Who am I to stop you?

And now I’ll give you two examples of fellas that are just trying WAY too hard.

Behold, Coolhand…

HELLO SEXY
Allow me to introduce myself, I am a single sleek model, low mileage, high performance. Bumped a few times, but never wrecked. Proven ability to hug the road and not wander off course. Exterior in mint condition, warm, affectionate, sensitive interior, never soiled. Factory equipped package includes stereo, humor, depth, imagination and intelligence. Radio picks up all kinds of rock and classical when at Alki on a sunny days..or taking ferry to one of the islands..and stopping off at Dick’s for a shake. Spacious seats with plenty of room for passenger for a trip to the coast or a Mariners game…runs on high-octane fun and romance, lifetime supply included. On MYSPACE there are drivers and passengers in life..which one are you?

And Charles…

You are beautiful i bet am not the first to say that and i will not be the last to say that…but i can assure you that i can be the only to know the value and appreciate it as much as you want a man to…Well i am Charles 5′11ft tall loving, caring, romantic understanding, passionate and respectful man…Godliness makes me a dinstinctive man in world of men….well i ran into you profile and something attracted my interest…sorry can i get to know you better.There will be no regret if we can be friends and you might be the world happiest woman if you can hold me by the hands and telling me to take you through this life with love and happiness…i hate to take things too fast i just cant fight it…i am too blunt…

Maybe it’s not fair to lump Charles in with Coolhand; he’s probably a genuinely nice guy. But the desperation is high in this one, rivaled only by a misguided belief that he is sensitive beyond all other men and might just be god’s gift to womankind.

Well, this concludes this batch of failed approaches. I’ll bet some of you girls out there have gotten some equally groan-inducing emails, and I’d love to hear about them. And maybe some of you guys can help us understand what these fellas were thinking.

Judging by the stuff I get on MySpace and other similar sites, a lot of people are clueless about how to approach online dating. Even those that make it through the online selection process don’t always know what to do on that nerve-racking first date. I got an email from Michael asking my advice about a recent date and, even though I’m not an expert on the subject, I thought I’d go ahead and offer an opinion from a girl who’s been around the block a few times. I’m sure Michael would love to hear some of your advice in the comments, too. Michael writes:

“On one of your podcasts, you said that guys don’t seem to have anything original to say to you … So, I want to ask you to momentarily play for the other side and tell me what you’d like for us to ask you ladies when we try to strike up a conversation [online], especially if you’re not photogenic.

Second, let’s say you do finally get a date, I’d like to know what you’d do as the guy in this situation…I found out, in order, that there was no story behind her cute necklace, she didn’t watch any tv, had no particular bands or type of music she liked, no movies she wanted to see, no books that she had recently read and spent all of her time outdoors (it was the middle of winter and nothing that you could really do outside at the time). Is there anything left to talk about, or is it time to grab your hat and run? I finished dinner, but wasn’t sure when she said to call her ‘later’ if she meant it, or was just being polite, so I just left her a single message and never called again. “

Let’s tackle the first part of your question, how to strike up that first conversation online that will hopefully lead to that first date offline. My initial piece of advice when responding to an ad or profile is to make specific references to things she’s said in her ad/profile. If she mentions something she likes and you like it too, then say so. If she mentions something she likes to do that you’ve never done before, ask her what it’s like or why she likes it. If she said very little about herself but said a lot about what she wants, then tell her how some of these qualities relate to you. The danger in this last approach, however, is sounding cheesy or contrived. A great way to avoid this is to tell her you fit the bill in some humorous way. Here’s a good example from Lucky’s response to someone’s request for a “sunny disposition.”

As for my disposition, it’s nothing if not sunny. Beach bunnies forced
to stay inside during the winter months bake their ochre hides under
the radiation of my disposition. Positively phototropic plant shoots
lean eerily close to me when I sit near them for long periods of time.
And someday, my disposition will go supernova, destroying all of my
other emotions in a brilliant display too intense to be observed from
anywhere within a million miles.

Okay, you don’t have to be quite so silly (although it worked quite well for him), but I’m sure you could come up with something that will catch her interest, if you give it a little thought. And if she hasn’t said much about herself in the ad, this is your chance to ask her about herself in your response. It shows you’re interested in who she is, rather than just bragging about your own finer qualities.

And, before I move on to the next part of the question, let me give you all a brief Public Service Announcement:
PLEASE, I beg of you with all of my heart, pay close attention to your grammar and do NOT use abbreviations such as “u”, “r”, and “ur.” This is just downright juvenile, and if she uses it in her profile, don’t write to her; we don’t need to reward that kind of behavior. I am singlehandedly leading the revolution to put an end to this kind of lazy rhetoric, so please join me.

And now, for the second question: What to talk about once you’re on the date. It sounds like you were on the right track. Girls love to talk about themselves – heck, PEOPLE love to talk about themselves – so you want to ask lots of questions. It sounds like you ran into a tough one, though. The person you went out with sounds a little dull, in my opinion. I’m all for a love of the outdoors, but no tv, books, music, or movies? I just can’t imagine what I’d have to say to a person like that, either. I think that, once I got to that point, I’d be ready to get the check and go home to spend a fun evening with my XBOX. But that would be rude, so you’d want to try to make the best of it. Keep probing. Keep asking questions. What does she do outdoors? Does she have any fun camping/hiking/skiing/kayaking stories? Ask her about her childhood; people love to relive old memories. One trick I learned from an advice column in a magazine is to try to get someone to talk about a fun time in their life. They will enjoy the memory and associate that good feeling with you. Some other topics include pets (girls LOVE to talk about their pets – myself humbly included), travel, food and wine, the job she always dreamed of when she was little, family (but steer the off this topic quickly if she doesn’t get along well with her family).

Of course, you could avoid that awkward first date struggle for conversation altogether by choosing an activity that doesn’t require a lot of talking. Sure, you want to get to know your date, but allowing the two of you to get comfortable together without the pressure of trying to keep an interesting conversation going can really ease the tension. Then, once you’re more comfortable being around each other, the conversation might start flowing a little more freely. Going to a movie gives you time to let that physical attraction build without requiring a lot of jabber. And once the movie is over, you’ve got an automatic conversation piece. I often choose bowling for a first date. It allows short spurts of conversation between frames (over beers served in bowling pin-shaped bottles) and lets you fill any potential awkward silences with good-natured trash talking. If drinks are the plan, choose a bar with darts, pool, or other potential activities, just in case the conversation starts to taper off. There’s a bar near my house that stocks a nice little selection of board games, and I’ve saved quite a few awkward first dates with a game of Yahtzee.

Well, I think that just about exhausts my advice on the subject. Let’s hear what everyone else has to say.