The View From My Knees

There is one word I keep using to describe my weekend at Critical Massive: amazing. It seems like such a common, everyday word to describe such an experience, but it is the one I keep coming back to. I didn’t know what to expect from the weekend, but I never would have guessed that something I’d always been so afraid of would bring about such a positive change in my outlook on life.

In the stories that will follow, I’m gong to tell you about my first experience with a drug commonly referred to as E (or Ecstacy). This was, in fact, my first experience with any drug. At the age of 29, I’d spent my entire life avoiding drugs. I’d like to attribute it to good common sense, but it was really about fear. I was afraid of breaking the law. I was afraid of damaging my mind and body. I was afraid of addiction. And I was afraid of dying. But, along with these fears, there was an intense curiosity. Why would people risk so much for an experience? What was it that caused people to spiral out of control for that almighty fix? How good could a pill possibly make you feel? I’d been drunk plenty of times and, sure, it was fun, but it wasn’t something I would risk my life over.

That weekend, I suppressed my fear for a chance to satisfy that curiosity. I did it among a group of friends that I trusted deeply, in an environment that I felt was appropriate for the experience. What followed was a night that blew away all expectations and opened my eyes to a new state of mind I never knew existed.

I believe that I took something positive out of the experience, but my views on drug use have not changed. I’m still afraid. Only now I’m afraid of how good it felt. I’m afraid that it won’t be as easy to resist the next time I am tempted. I know that there are consequences to giving in, and I know it won’t always feel that good. I know that for each amazing experience, I am trading a piece of the most valuable assets I have: my mind, my body, and my life.

As I tell you my stories, I am going to give you a frank and honest account of my experience over that extraordinary night, and I don’t want to water it down. It would be a disservice to the things I experienced to downplay the role of the drug in an attempt to stay politically correct or socially responsible. However, I don’t want my readers to feel like I’m advocating or condoning the use of drugs. I’m not, and I never will. It’s my hope that each and every one of you can reach this place without putting yourself at risk or engaging in illegal activities. Maybe even something I write will get you started on the right path. But the reality is that you are adults and it is up to you to make your own decisions. With that in mind, I’ll conclude this introduction by quoting something that a dear friend wrote to me recently while discussing this very subject:

i love you and hope you choose well.

Read Part 2